Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Am I Tripping?

Since I henna'd over the weekend I just been loving my hair. When I put the henna in and my hair was weighted, I loved it. I hadn't seen my hair "hang" in so long that I forgot what it looked like. I sat there in that bathroom for about 15 minutes playing in my hair that was full of henna just because it was "hanging".

Am I falling into the trap of "long hair" all over again? I would like to say that I'm not, but all the signs point to that being a lie. I mean really, if I said I didn't want long hair or if I even said I didn't care about long hair I would only be lying to myself. Hell yeah I want long hair - all the way down my butt! I want to be able to sit on it and complain about how I can't do anything with it because it's so dang long!

I even went so far as to look at the change in curl pattern. My hair has been coily since the beginning, but I have been noticing the change with each henna. Now this time my curls have really elongated and guess what they do? They "hang". ...and I'm happy about it. Shoot, skip happy, I'm damn excited about it!

But why? Shoot, because I'm falling into the trap...the stereotype. The "loose curl/wavy hair is better" trap. Mmm hmm. I thought I was better than that. I sure did, but slowly I have been noticing it. I mean, in the beginning I thought to myself that "Hey, as long as my hair is natural I don't care how it looks." Well, that was because I knew how my kids' hair looked and I knew that for the most part I would have some type of "manageable curls". As I'm typing, I am sitting here thinking to myself, "would I have gone natural if my hair was '4z'? Probably not - and that's just being real. I would have come up with some other type of option, but it wouldn't have been to be natural. Maybe locs, but not loose, nappy hair - hell no!

So now what? I've admitted my problem, so how do I solve it? I need to do some serious soul searching. Why am I really on this "natural" journey? Is it really important for me to have long hair? Is it important for me to have waves or loose curls? If so, at what expense? I have a lot of thinking to do.

On the other hand, does it even matter? Can't I be who I want to be? Are my feelings about my hair hurting anyone other than myself? I mean, I'm not saying these things out loud - they're only in my mind and in my heart. I'm not passing this onto my kids. These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about my own hair.

Yeah, I got issues, I'm tripping right now and I don't feel good about. I damn near feel like a hypocrite. All this talking I been doing about natural hair and wearing your natural hair, and be comfortable with your hair. Whatever....I been tripping. I have to get my behind in gear because I am slipping. Time to re-evaluate myself and why I made this move to go natural.

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